27 and no PhD *sob*

I’ve been on the emotional rollercoaster in the past few weeks, up and down, up and down. So much so that I’m nearly afraid to trust my own instinct and feeling anymore. I have just crash and burn after letting go of my usual tightly reined control of my emotions, and I frankly don’t think I’d want any surprises right now.

So what do you do when you think someone else is seeking more than friendship from you, after lending a listening ear through the difficult time?

Maybe I am overreacting, imagining things that are not there, and reading too much into everything. This friend in question may just happen to be really nice and supportive, and therefore a little more sensitive to my feelings etc.

But past experience had taught me not to take this for granted.

For another friend a few years back, after seeing me through the break down of a relationship, ended up spilling his feelings and making things very awkward between us. We stopped talking for such a long time, which was rather upsetting given we were very close as friends. To this day, even though we still talk and hang out, things never went back the way it was and I guess we never recovered.

I fear for something like this right now too…

I have tried to be subtle in dropping hints that I’m still not quite over the boy right now, and even when I do, I have a preference for different kind of guy. What else can I do? I’ve been keeping some distance and not try to give the wrong signals, but I also know that, as human, we sometimes blatantly ignore signs that we don’t want to see. What then?

Urggh…

I have been back for a little over 2 weeks now actually, just not quite in the mood to write much for fear all I’m going to end up blogging here is a series of my emotional rollercoaster craziness of the past fortnight.

Nothing to do with my holiday though. That actually went sailingly, and I was reluctant to return. It felt too short, and that I wish I had more time to spend with my family and my friends.

But real life awaits.

And with it, one particularly unpleasant surprise.

The boy had started dating someone, pretty much as soon as I left on my holiday. I found out about this quite by accident, and it sent me into a massive shock. I am supposed to be a good friend of his and he said nothing of it to me? I had just visited him for his birthday and was staying with him for 5 days during the trip!

He claimed he did so because he didn’t want to hurt me. And I understand that he’s under no obligation to tell me anything that he didn’t want to. But did he not at any point realise that by hiding this, he would end up hurting me more when I found out? I felt betrayed, and it made me wonder if he even takes me seriously as friend.

I may have been feeling fragile, but I would have handled open truth better than a round-about shock like this.

I don’t know. I have been oscillating between anger and sadness, making me feel like someone who is bipolar or something like that. I don’t want to be like this. I am tired. I don’t want to wake up at 3am just to start thinking about this and I don’t want to cry anymore.

(There you go, I’m starting again)

OK, enough of that.

Definitely back to normal blogging tomorrow and I’m putting all these behind me now. Two weeks of misery is misery aplenty.

I have been listening to Yael a lot lately. A lot. Especially today, sitting here by myself, in the boy’s apartment. I’m trying to do some work but my mind strayed from time to time, while this song in particular struck a chord with how I feel.

Not that I understand the song in entirety, given there are parts sung in Hebrew. I wish I do though. A quick google doesn’t bring much luck in locating the lyrics so I guess I need to look for someone who does speak Hebrew for help.

Side note : I do wonder why I am doing this to myself, putting myself in a position where I am emotionally vulnerable. Only where the boy is concerned. Until I find the best way to move on, I’ll try just to cope the best I can.