27 and no PhD *sob*

Right, remember the periods of ups and downs that I mentioned before? Well, it’s definitely on the down for the time being. And I need to find a way to pull myself together and get things going. It doesn’t help that I’m not feeling 100% either. Not stress-induced illness, but more from my periondontic treatment.

I’ve been looking at getting braces to straighten up my teeth (yeah, at my age) since I have the problem of “excessive overcrowding” according to my dentists. First up we need to ensure that my gum is in top condition before the next step. So I am subject to periodontic treatments and it’s making me miserable. My gum feel sore and I am in no mood to eat much (I also had to be careful not to eat anything too cold or too hot for a couple of days following treatment) so all these add up in wrapping me up with gloom.

I came back from a session yesterday, still dosed up with anaesthetic, and I couldn’t even feel my tongue, eeek!

So much for Halloween and the glee of eating lots of candies, chocolates and glazed apples. I am even in no mood to go out, and I’m supposed to attend a dinner party tonight. Well, will see how I feel in a bit but should things not improve, I believe it’s best that I skip it. No point being a grouchy bear all evening, right?

Several questions that ran through my head over and over in the past week. They’re freaking me out and I’m feeling my anxiety level rising day to day. I am trying my best not to lose control, but I can’t help but thinking a breakdown could be just round the corner!

What am I going to do after I graduate?

Am I good enough to produce a good thesis?

What happen if I can’t finish on time?

Will I be able to get a visa extension and live here as long as I want?

What are my next options? Next steps?

Why am I so conflicted right now?

I have no answers to these yet, and I don’t know if I am able to provide answers to them at all. Everything’s jumbled up and I am seeking desperately for motivation to step up my game. To get back on track. To stop everything from crashing down around me.

I need hugs.

And deep breath. Major deep breath.

Scene 1 : Hotel lobby where I was staying during post-conference holiday. A family was chatting away at their room door while waiting for someone to get ready and go out together. The daughter was discussing the merit of different boob size that she’s thinking of getting with her father. Rather loudly. Whoaaa… must be a really open-minded family, especially considering the girl doesn’t look a day over 16. It was not even about considering getting a boob job or not. It was about size selection for the one that she is getting. *gulp*

Scene 2 : Main shopping street. A mother with a daughter and a son. The daughter looks about 14 and the son a year or two younger. They were chatting away happily, so that’s good right? Except the young girl was puffing away with cigarette. What happened to minding your own kids health and no smoking for the underage? Can you consider mum offending the law when she passed on a cigarette to a minor? Or worse, did she buy them for her??!

I don’t think I understand family dynamics of modern day anymore. I know it’s good to let your kids have their freedom and to allow them to learn about facts of life, but shouldn’t there be a line drawn somewhere so that things don’t go towards the other extreme? What about the whole “moderation is key” concept?

It is not cool to let your kids believe that their bodies need surgical enhancement! It is not cool to let your kids get lung cancer (plus other complications) before they hit 40! It is not cool being parents when I don’t think you’re fit for the job.

So. Not. Cool.